I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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