If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
