WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
