does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
