if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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