remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
