my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
