I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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