Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
