He uses pillows to masturbate.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
