okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
