Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
