Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
