Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
