he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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