The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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