mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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