my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
