I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
