I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
