I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
