Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
