Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize