Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
