good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
