you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize