Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
