I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I cockslap morals
I can text with my tongue
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
