We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
