I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
