I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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