I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There r osticjed everywhere
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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