im about as happy as oj after his trial
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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