No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
