I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
