you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
