It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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