Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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