So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
