Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.