I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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