I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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