if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
