is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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