Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The best revenge is premature balding
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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