I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
