If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
