all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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