she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
