There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
