can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
