Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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