drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
