if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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