How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
