Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
