I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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