It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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